LDS Humor: D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck

It's Time to Say Goodbye

2011-03-28T08:42:00.004-06:00

As much as we've loved posting here and enjoyed receiving comments, as well as making new friends, the time has come for us to let this go inactive so that we can concentrate on our own author blogs. We've really appreciated your loyalty, your thoughts, and we've enjoyed knowing all of you.

Our book, Mormon Mishaps and Mischief will still be available at bookstores and at the links listed in our sidebar, it's just a case that we won't be updating this site on a regular basis anymore.

We hope that you won't disappear from our lives, but instead will visit us individually. Cindy's blog is called Write Up My Alley, and Nichole's spot is Random-ish. When you get a minute, swing by and say, "Hi." You've been such wonderful friends and it'll be so good to hear from you!

Thanks again,

Cindy and Nichole

The Powers of Prayer?

2011-02-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

Submitted by contributor Connie Hall (Thanks Connie!)

( ARTICLE FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES )

OKLAHOMA BEER JOINT SUES A CHURCH.

In a small Oklahoma town, Buckmaster’s Bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening, using petitions and prayers. Work on the building progressed right up until the week before the opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that they (the members) were ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing, he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.

**This may or may not be a real story out of a real article. We take zero responsibility for it's authenticity, or inauthenticity, as the case may be. But we do take responsibility for editing some of the spelling and punctuation from the version that came to us. Cuz, you know. It was necessary.

It Was a Tough Year ...

2011-01-01T21:54:00.009-07:00

... but Mormon Mishaps and Mischief was lighting the world with laughter!

In honor of the year that we just finished, we thought we'd post an email forwarded to us by one of our contributors. Thank you to Juanita Hawley for sending this.

It Was a Tough Year

It was a tough year, but I made it ...

The economy was so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

When the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 "ouncer."

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

On New Year's Eve, I was so depressed thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

----

Happy 2011 to all our friends and readers. We wish you a year filled with happiness, health, and hope!

~ Cindy and Nichole

Holiday Humor

2010-12-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

We hope you're feeling warm and happy this holiday season. But if you're stressed, harried, run-down, or otherwise out-of-sorts, take a breath, read something funny, and give yourself a break. A little laughter might be just what you need.

And for your time-wasting enjoyment, links to more holiday humor.

Christmas Carols Exam

Proof that Santa's a Woman?

Mom's Christmas List

And finally, a holiday greeting from the Humor Committee.

Merry Christmas! May your holiday be full of fun and laughter.

PS. In case you're looking for a great gift, Mormon Mishaps and Mischief might be a good fit for several people on your list. Just sayin.

How Presidents Age

2010-11-01T09:04:00.004-06:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck with an advance apology to all the presidents in this list, and to their supporters ... whether they be donkeys or elephants! Received in an email, author unknown.

We don't normally enter the political arena ... well, unless it's funny, of course ... but with election day coming so close on the heels of Halloween, I just couldn't resist. Hope you enjoy the humor in this!

An interesting look at how Presidents and their first ladies age during their tenure as President:

Jimmy & Rosalyn Carter:

Ronald & Nancy Reagan:

George & Barbara Bush:

Bill & Hillary Clinton:

George & Laura Bush:

Barack & Michelle Obama:

scroll down ...

wait for it ...

scroll a little farther ...

And now that you've had some fun, drop off a comment and tell us who was your favorite president of all time.

Original Creative Costumes

2010-10-04T19:59:00.000-06:00

Halloween brings out the creativity in all of us!

Don't you just love this time of year?

Feeling a little bugged?

Makes me hungry!

Sorry, didn't mean to make you prickle.

Too cute to be a mean one.

Well, it's not candy!

Coming out of his shell already.

Um, yeah. How would you like to have that one knocking on your door?

Oh, the yummiest pie ever!

W.O.W.

I'd take a delivery from him anytime!

Quite puzzling.

Hey soul sister!

Picnic that!

Which one is your favorite?

Swagger Wagon

2010-09-05T20:37:00.001-06:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

Every once in a while a commercial comes along that's actually worth watching. A friend sent this, and we thought that all of you with a house, kids, and a mini-van would enjoy it. (And even if you don't own a mini-van, you'll find it cute!)

(If you get a second, drop off a comment about your dream car. We all know that Nichole's is a red Mustang!)

Church Signs

2010-08-02T13:56:00.000-06:00

Church leaders have a way with words.

Have a great week!

The Helicopter Ride

2010-07-05T06:00:00.004-06:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck
Received in an email, author unknown.

We've had a small turn of events here at the LDS Humor Blog and we hope you won't be disappointed at this announcement. Although we've loved posting fun stories, and we've enjoyed bringing you a smile every week, we're finding that other endeavors—church callings and writing obligations—are making it difficult for us to continue posting weekly. For the time being, we're switching to a monthly post, and hope that you'll still check back with us regularly. We've enjoyed the friendships we've made here and don't want to lose you!

And now, for July's monthly post ....

Have all of you recovered from your July 4th celebrations? And did you remember to wear sunscreen while you stood for three hours, watching a parade? Just in case you're feeling a touch of sunburn, or down-in-the-dumps because the holiday is almost over, here's a little something to bring a smile.

The Helicopter Ride

Photo © Bumblebee Photo/ByTheBecks

Ken and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, “Edna, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To which Edna replied, "Ken, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word ...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Ken replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

------

Independence Day Humor

2010-06-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

(Originally posted on Clean Jokes and Humor)

A story was told many years ago about a young Hispanic man who was new to the United States of America.

Feeling a little out of place, but desperately wanting to fit in and learn about the culture of America in general, and the outrageously popular sport of baseball in particular, Jose (pronounced ho-zay) decided to attend a local baseball sporting event. This particular ball game was played on the 4th of July.

He was a bit surprised before the game started to see the massive crowd stand to its feet and begin to sing.

As Jose was not a man of large stature, he became a bit dismayed, wondering if he would be able to see the ball game with large numbers of tall Americanos standing all around him.

As soon as they faced the flag and raised their voices in song, however, Jose was put at ease. How welcoming they all were! Their concern for him touched his heart deeply.

The very first thing that gigantic mass of people sang to him was: "Jose, can you see?"

Children's Church Chuckles

2010-06-21T00:03:00.000-06:00

(Sent in an email to Nichole from Connie Hall.)

Kids say the funniest things!

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service. "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday school Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly. Do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, “I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek, alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up. "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long, long time ago."

"Oh." She paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Sheep that Obey Better than Children

2010-06-13T17:17:00.000-06:00

I wish my kids listened to me the way these sheep listen to their herders! This is the most creative fireworks show I've seen.

Have a great week.

Random Thoughts for the Week

2010-06-06T15:50:00.000-06:00

Posted by Nichole
Author unknown

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper to which I swear I did not make any changes.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this—ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what
would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I told gave my daughter the job of mating socks the other day. She looked at me with worry in her eyes and said, “But mom, what will we do if we end up with a whole bunch of baby socks?”

Life’s just funny like that.

Have a great week!

Unofficial Utah Census Form

2010-05-31T14:25:00.009-06:00

Posted by C.L. Beck
Received in an email from one of our Mormon Mishaps contributors, Rachelle Christensen.

US Census Logo

We all knew it was bound to happen. Yes, indeedy, with all the hoopla about the US census form and the need to complete it, we knew someone would come up with a Latter-day Saint version. So, here it is for your delight, pleasure, and a giggle or two.

The Unofficial Utah Census Form

1. ____________ _________ (Given name)

2. ____________ _______ (SURNAME)

3. Descendant of:
A. Brigham Young _____
B. Heber C. Kimball _____
C. Laman and Lemuel ____
D. Cain _____

4. Tribe of Israel : ____________ _________

5. Number of occupants residing in home in each category:

(Listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's _____
E. Young Men's _____
F. Relief Society ____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation [Please select all that apply.]:
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____

7. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
F. BMW (Big Mormon Wagon) ________

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam's All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite____ _
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church [check all that apply.]:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Franklin Planner/ Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil ____
D. Lifesavers/ Cheerios _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your church lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching ___
H. Just wing it [according to the promptings of the Spirit]

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders?: yes__ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Dancing with the Stars?"

18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Green Jell-O salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey , cashews and grape-stuffed croissants__ ___

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries

21. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the pinewood derby: ________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate: ___ pounds daily X 365 days annually= ____
B. Cola: ____gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/U of U football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____

[If you have a second, drop off a comment and say which question you found the funniest. I (Cindy) got a good laugh out of #17. Guess that tells you what kind of family home evenings are held at my house! :]

A Message for the Mugger

2010-05-24T15:35:00.006-06:00

Posted by C.L. Beck
Received from one of our Mormon Mishaps contributors, Cathy Witbeck.

Photo by Agpvtr, Wikimedia Commons

We didn't check this out on Snopes.com and can't vouch for the authenticity, but regardless, it's pretty funny. Enjoy, and have a week that's filled with laughter!

Ad Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, the Night Before Last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

And the Winner is...

2010-05-17T10:22:00.000-06:00

Danyelle Ferguson!

Congratulations, Danyelle. You've won the advertising package with Your LDS Neighborhood. Cindy or Nichole will contact you with details later this week.

Thanks to everyone who played!

Genealogy and Family History

2010-05-17T04:09:00.005-06:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck
Received from one of our Mormon Mishaps
contributors, C. LaRene Hall.
Author unknown.

Many people envision genealogists as individuals whose conversations are dry and boring, and who have nothing better to do in life than to look up information on their ancestors. The following proves just the opposite—even if the humor is unintended!

Funny Correspondence Allegedly Sent to the Family History Department, Salt Lake City, Utah.

1. Our 2nd great-grandfather was found dead crossing the plains in the library.

2. He and his daughter are listed as not being born.

3. I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family.

4. Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?

5. My Grandfather died at the age of 3.

6. We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.

7. Documentation: Family Bible in possession of Aunt Merle until the tornado hit Topeka, Kansas. Now only the Good Lord knows where it is.

8. The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn--what do you think?

9. I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children.

10. Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success. Now see what you can do!

11. I have a hard time finding myself in London. If I were there I was very small and cannot be found.

12. This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list.

13. We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy?

14. Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name.

15. A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the U.S., England and Scotland countries? I will do the research."

16. I would like to know how many descendants I really have?
----

Did you enjoy those? Which did you find to be the funniest? If you have a second, drop off a comment and let us know. Cindy's favorite was #16!

Mormon Mishaps Blog Tour and Giveaway

2010-05-10T06:16:00.001-06:00

The Mormon Mishaps and Mischief Giveaway and Blog Tour!

In celebration of Mothers, and all they do for us, Mormon Mishaps authors C.L. Beck and D.N. Giles have put together a giveaway in conjunction with a week-long blog tour. If you aren’t interested in winning a fantastic advertising package valued at $150, you can stop reading now.

Wait, you’re still reading. That must mean you want to hear about our prize package, correct? Well. Okay then.

Let me first tell you a little about our sponsors, yourLDSneighborhood.com and YourLDSradio.com.

yourLDSneighborhood.com is an online shopping mall which features innovative products and LDS-based services, and great ideas for your home, all without the worries of questionable content. Shopping categories include Clothing, Music, Preparedness, Family Entertainment, Scrapbooking, Books and Art, Health and Food, Travel and Recreation, Weddings and more! Visit yourLDSneighborhood.com today.

Your LDS Neighborhood Newsletter is a free online newsletter that comes three times a week right to your email inbox. It provides topical stories and insights that set the tone for your day. The newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources, and interviews from around the world, all with an LDS focus. Sign up today by clicking here!

YourLDSradio.com commits to bringing you the best in LDS Music – all day, every day and it is totally FREE to listen! Make them your web-surfing companion. It's free and easy to use and makes for the perfect online companion. Listen for yourself at yourLDSradio.com!

Okay, and now for the prize!

Your LDS Neighborhood has offered a YEAR LONG advertising package which includes space on the Neighborhood website as well as tiles in the newsletter. Were you to purchase advertising with them, this package would cost $150.

Here’s the best part. You don’t have to be LDS to advertise with the Neighborhood. As long as the business, blog, or product you’re promoting is family friendly, this advertising package will benefit you. Neighborhood ads are viewed daily around the globe, and by thousands of people.

So how do you win?

Entries will be accepted between May 4th and midnight, MST, May 16th. On May 17th, (or as close there about as possible) the winners will be chosen and announced on the LDS Humor blog. Although it's not required for entry, please take a minute to read the Mormon Mishaps and Mischief review/interview I've posted. Then, you must do the following four things to enter (but don't worry, they aren't hard):

1. Follow my blog, here.
2. Leave a comment here, at this blog.
3. Follow the LDS Humor blog.
4. Follow the Your LDS Neighborhood Newsletter blog.

Extra entries:
1. Blog about this contest, then come back and leave either a url address or a link in a comment.
2. Follow me on Twitter. (Bloggers, you can hyperlink this to your twitter page if you’d like, or include your twitter username.) And then tweet the contest. (Make sure to mention this in a comment.)
3. Facebook the contest. If your Facebook page is private, and I’m not your friend, I can’t see that you’ve done this, so you’ll need to friend me.(Same goes here.) Be sure to leave the link to where you've FB'd the contest in a comment.

All of these options can be mentioned in a single comment, and you can enter at all the participating blogs, as long as you follow and leave a comment for those bloggers so they know you love them.

You may enter this contest here, as well as on any of the tour posts at the following blogs:

May 4th Rachelle Christensen
May 4th Shirley Bahlmann
May 5th Karlene Browning
May 5th Heather Gardener, Fire and Ice Book Reviews
May 6th Kellie Buckner
May 6th Rachel Rager
May 7th Shauna Chambers
May 7th Heather Justesen
May 10th LDS Humor Blog
May 10th Keith Fisher
May 11th Tristi Pinkston
May 11th Rebecca Talley
May 12th Taffy Lovell
May 12th Kimberly Job
May 13th Connie Hall
May 13th Ali Cross

To purchase Mormon Mishaps and Mischief click here.

"William Tell Overture" Mom

2010-05-02T15:58:00.008-06:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

I happened to run across this video on YouTube and couldn't stop laughing. Since it's just under three minutes long, you won't have to worry about splitting a gut. Well, okay ... maybe you'll do it figuratively, but at least not literally!

And once you've viewed it, tell us ... what did she say in this video that made you laugh the hardest? And was it because you could relate to it as a mom/dad, or because you could remember your folks saying the same things to you? Oh, humor is so much fun!

New Shoes and Spring

2010-04-25T21:25:00.000-06:00

I don't know about all of you but the coming of spring instills in me an urge to buy new shoes. I wonder if that's what happened to this guy?

Sunshine and shoes...spring is here again!

Things to Do In Class, Continued

2010-04-19T15:19:00.000-06:00

Last week I posted the first 30 suggestions with a promise to post the last thirty this week.

**Warning to children**

You didn't get these ideas from us. *waving Jedi hands* Move along.

Ahem. Now then, onto the suggestions:

31. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

32. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

33. End all sentences with "Co-yuk".

34. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

35. When someone says Have a nice day, tell them you have other plans .

36. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY .

37. Shout WOW after every sentence of the lecture. (Have you seen that Staples commercial? That's what this reminds me of. Wow, that's a low price!)

38. Ask whether you have to come to class.

39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Signup Sheet at the top, and start passing it around the room.

40. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

42. Disassemble your pen. Accidentally propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

43. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you’re called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you’re waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to “speak.” When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, “I can’t believe you embarrassed me AGAIN….”

44. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

45. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit. **One of Nichole's favorite ideas

46. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can’t start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

47. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you’re really interested in what you’re discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

48. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, “Bingo!” Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

49. Organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces.

50. Organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time.

51. Organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pencils/pens at a preset time.

52. Superglue coins to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up.

53. Write fake love notes and slip them into people’s lockers

54. When you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it’s the slimy kind), but don’t wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc.

55. Screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh.

56. Run around the school suspiciously with your hands in a gun shape while humming the misson impossible tune.

57. Look at the person next to you for a while then say “You're one of them!” then run out the class room.

58. Stand up and pretend you are a flight attendent and review the emergency procedures and exits.

59. name your pen Mr Pen, talk to him often, cry and go mad if Mr pen commits suicide (aka falls off the table).

60. Put a sign on your desk that says “Out of my mind be back soon” Then go to sleep. If your teacher wakes you up Scream CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN? then go back to sleep.

**The authors of this blog are not responsible for detention, suspension, expulsion, or jail time which may occur as a result of trying these experiments.

***Actually, we are not the authors of these ideas anyway. Nichole got them in an email. Blame the Internet.

Have a fantastic week, everyone, and don't forget to laugh.

Things To Do in Class Before The End of the School Year: Part 1

2010-04-12T10:14:00.000-06:00

Posted by Nichole (Kids, don't tell your parents you got these ideas from me.)

1. Randomly get out of your seat and sit on the floor.

2. If the person next to you is quiet, turn and inform them that they are distracting you.

3. Color red dots all over your arm and show the teacher, and tell her/him that you are allergic to School.

4. Take out sock puppets and play with them, and occasionally have them grab your classmate’s hair. When the teacher looks, keep the sock on your hand and point to your classmate and tell the teacher that the classmate is attacking you with puppets.

5. If your teacher walks around the room during the test, cover your test and glare at them suspiciously.

6. When the teacher calls on you to answer a question, talk in a creepy voice and say `I’ll never tell’ and a few questions later raise your hand and ask why you haven’t been allowed to answer a question yet.

7. When coming back from bathroom, walk through the door. Then ask how you got there.

8. Raise your hand and ask if you can be excused to skip class.

9. Meow and bark occasionally.

10. Chew gum in class. If teacher says something, take out packs of gum and start passing out gum.

11. Stand up and introduce yourself at the beginning of class (even though everyone knows you). Inform everyone that you have had `the problem’ for three years now. Then act confused and ask if the class is Alcoholics Anonymous.

12. Shove your heaviest book off your desk. Repeat. Glare at someone else every time the teacher looks at you.

13. Make a cone shape out of paper and glue red tissue paper to the top. Scribble/draw red and orange all over it. Wear it on your head and tell everyone that you’re a volcano.

14. Tell your teacher you don’t need to do your homework because you’re skipping school tomorrow.

15. Write `Gullible’ on a piece of paper. Tape that piece of paper to the floor, ceiling, or chalkboard. Then tell everyone there is gullible written on the ___(floor ceiling or chalkboard).

16. Yell out STOP DROP AND ROLL.

17. If someone speaks over the intercom, curl up in fetal position under your desk and say `It’s the voices again.’

18. Randomly get up and run a lap around the room, then sit down and act as if nothing had happened.

19. Get up and get a tissue, then just stand and stare at the tissue. If asked what you are doing by the teacher, claim that you are having a staring contest with the tissue and you’re sure you are about to win.

20. Lead your class in a sing-a-long.

21. Invent an imaginary hamster. Ask everyone if they would like to hold him.

22. In a creepy voice say to everyone `You will die in seven days’ Act like nothing had happened.

23. Get up to sharpen your pencil or find a tissue, then stand up there and look around. Then cry out `I’m lost ’

24. Ask if you can teach the class.

25. Act like you’re in the army, saluting to teachers and calling them ma’am and sir. March everywhere.

26. If a teacher isn’t already in the classroom, when they enter, inform them that they are late and should report to the principal.
Like, say `like,’ like, a lot…like

27. Draw a flipbook at the bottom right corner of your notebook.

28. .Re-enact or make up your very own 50-minute silent movie.

29. Use a kick me sign. As a challenge, see how many people you can put a kick me sign on without them knowing it.

30. Start singing Can you feel the love tonight from the Lion King.

Are we having fun yet? Good. There are more where these came from. Look for them next week same day, same place. Have a great week and keep on laughing.

An Egg-cellent Post

2010-04-04T23:26:00.000-06:00

Posted by Nichole

I have to wonder if eggs feel about Easter the way Turkeys feel about Thanksgiving?

Hope you had an egg-cellent Easter!

Easter Identity Theft

2010-03-24T09:37:00.019-06:00

Posted by Cindy (C.L.) Beck

Identity theft is becoming so widespread, that even the Easter bunny (and his associates) are running into the problem ...

Identity Theft, Case 1.

Case 2.

Case 3.

Case 4 (with a thief who sleeps on the job).

Case 5 (and the thief must have a conscience, because he looks a little embarrassed about it).

Case 6.

Case 7 (and a thief who is not only stealing the bunny's identity, but his lunch, as well).

Case 8.

Case 9 (and the thief doesn't look the least bit repentant).

Case 10.

Which thief did you like the most? Drop off a comment and let us know! (Mine was number 6.)

Have a happy, sunshine-y, warm and wonderful Easter!

~ Cindy and Nichole

------Photos received in an email, author unknown------

Having a Bad Day?

2010-03-22T09:18:00.005-06:00

Posted by C.L. Beck
Author unknown, received in an email from Jean Bradley

Things Got Ya Down? Well then, Consider these ...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still Think You're Having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There Now, Feeling Better?
We hope so.

Advice, Advice, Everywhere Advice

2010-03-15T06:00:00.004-06:00

Posted by Cindy (C.L.) Beck

In this world in which we live, advice abounds. It's not unusual to walk down the street and see a red, metal sign that reads, "Stop" or a blinking light that says, "Don't Walk!" Unless we want to end up as a grease spot in the middle of the road, both of those are worth heeding. Still, I have to say that sometimes it's fun to come upon advice that isn't quite so dire—like Samsung's commercial, "Do Not Trust Profile Pictures," below.

Terrorists in Church

2010-03-08T07:51:00.007-07:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck
Thanks to one of our contributors, Connie Hall, who sent this in an email.

WARNING! BEWARE OF THE TERRORIST GROUPS IN YOUR CHURCH!

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin.

Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name, Bin Prayin, is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does what's needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ, to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT FROM THE TERRORIST GROUPS!
(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)

[Image from Wikimedia Commons, © gnome-themes-extras-0.9.0.tar.bz2]
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What Love Means

2010-02-25T11:45:00.016-07:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck
Received in an email from one of our Mormon Mishaps and Mischief contributors, Rachelle Christensen.

I realize that February, the month for love, is almost over. In my opinion, though, love is a topic that's always in style and is also the source of some great humor. So, here without further ado—and before the month for love runs out—are comments about love by kids.

(By the way, if you'd like to read a heartwarming story on love, check out my Valentine's post at my serious blog.)

A group of professional people posed the question, "What does love mean?" to a group of kids, ages four to eight, and these were their answers:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.” ~ Rebecca, age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” ~ Billy, age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” ~ Karl, age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” ~ Chrissy, age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." ~ Terri, age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” ~ Danny, age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” ~ Emily, age 8

“Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” ~ Bobby, age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." ~ Nikka, age 6 (We need a few million more Nikka's on this planet.)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” ~ Noelle, age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” ~ Tommy, age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.” ~ Cindy, age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” ~ Clare, age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” ~ Elaine, age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ~ Chris, age 7

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” ~ Lauren, age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (What an image!) ~ Karen, age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.” ~ Mark, age 6

“You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” ~ Jessica, age 8

-----

Random Comics and a Winner!

2010-02-22T00:29:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nichole

Thanks to everyone who participated in our blog tour this past week. Also, thanks to everyone who entered to win. This has been a good experiment, and we are already planning the next fun blog tour.

Nichole has tallied up the entries and used the random generator at random.org to pick the winner. And the winner is...

Anne for a comment left at Queen of the Clan.

Yaaaaayyyyy! Clapclapclapclapcheerscreamwhistleclap!

Congratulations! Please send us your snail mail address in the next two days to ldshumor at yahoo dot com so we can send you your prize.

Now, for your Monday dose of humor:

Have a great week!

So, How Did You Break Your Arm

2010-02-14T23:08:00.004-07:00

Posted by Nichole

As sent in an email. The true original source of this story is unknown--but the story is still funny!

SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor
of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the
kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

Charlie Bit My Finger and a Chance to Win

2010-02-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nichole

This past Friday Rachelle Christensen kicked off our February virtual book tour by reviewing Mormon Mishaps and Mischief on her blog. Ronda Hinrichsen reviewed it Saturday, and Rebecca Talley is on the schedule for Monday the 8th. If you haven't read the book and are wondering what other people think, now is your chance. The reviewers are listed on the sidebar, so you can read all the reviews as they come in.

Don't forget to leave a comment and enter to win the $20 Barnes and Noble gift card we're giving away. Also, some of the reviewers are holding giveaways of their own, so you could also be a double winner! You never know, this could be your lucky week. Stop by and enter today.

And now for your Monday dose of humor.

A lot of you might have already seen this. I have, several times. But I have to say, it's just as funny every time I watch it. This weekend I realized that not everyone on the planet has actually seen this video, and so it is for those few stragglers getting left behind that I'm posting it here. Kids can be the funniest!

Win a Gift Card on the Mormon Mishaps Blog Tour

2010-02-05T11:04:00.015-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck

Wahoo! We want you all to know that we've officially started our first Mormon Mishaps blog tour. We're having a small tour during February, and then a larger one in a few months ... probably in April.

Stop by the following blogs to see what others are saying about Mormon Mishaps and Mischief--and while you're there, leave a comment and enter to win a $20 gift card!

Feb 5th ~Rachelle Christensen: Rachelle Writes
Feb 6th ~Ronda Hinrichsen: The Write Blocks

Feb 9th ~Connie Hall: C.LaRene Hall
Feb 10th ~Cathy Witbeck: Story Painter
Feb 11th ~Dan Olsen: Thoughts On LDS
Feb 12th ~Danyelle Ferguson: Queen of the Clan

Watch for more blog posts and reviews in April, when we'll be running a much bigger tour!

*** To Friends, Fans, and Readers: Pick up search engine exposure for your own site, as well being linked on other blogger's sites! Sign up to be included in the April Mormon Mishaps blog tour. It's simple and easy. All you have to do is post a short blog entry on your assigned date.

Email us at ldshumor(at)yahoo.com for more information/to sign up and put the words, "April 2010 Blog Tour" in the subject box.

Sign up in the next 48 hours (by midnight Sunday, Feb 7) and receive a thank you GIFT worth $30!

The thank you gift is a time limited offer, so email us right away!***

How I Learned to Mind My Own Business, and Comedy by Maxine

2010-01-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nichole
As sent in an email from contributor Rachelle Christensen.

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were
outside shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting'14...14...14'...

And in case that didn't make you laugh, a little life perspective from Maxine.

Don't forget to check our sidebar to see if we're signing books somewhere near you!

The World's Shortest Books

2010-01-23T21:28:00.003-07:00

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore
_______________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
_______________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
THE SEQUEL
by Bill Clinton
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton

Introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND JUST ADDED:

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!
by Nancy Pelosi
---

(Thanks to one of our Mormon Mishaps contributors, Cathy Witbeck, for sending us this in an email.)

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Diana, We'll Miss You

2010-01-20T22:35:00.003-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck

I recently received a piece of very sad news. Diana Rasmussen, one of our contributors to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, passed away while on a trip to Israel. She penned the story "Jonah and Walt Disney" that's included in the book.

Diana held a zest for life that is rarely equaled, and her kindness towards others is legendary in the small town where she lived. She'll be greatly missed by family and friends alike. Her funeral is being held on January 21, at 11:00am in Ephraim, UT.

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How to Launch a Kayak ... or Not!

2010-01-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck
(With a thank you to Slam Dunks, who posted the video on his blog.)

I've often thought kayaking looked interesting ... in a, people-who-do-that-must-be-a-sandwich-shy-of-a-picnic kind of way. Just take a look at the picture above. Does it seem like they're enjoying themselves? Looks more like an adrenaline rush than fun to me. I can get that same feeling driving down the freeway with my windows open during a Salt Lake City smog alert.

But, off the air pollution and back to the issue at hand. Quite frankly, I've never kayaked because I prefer breathing air over water, and have always been a little reluctant to try sitting in a boat that requires a helmet! It's my personal opinion that after watching the video below, you'll see what I mean.

Author's note: It's been brought to my attention that kayaking requires great physical prowess and there are many kayakers with high intelligence, skills, and abilities.

(There, I've added it. Now, quit dripping water on the floor and go hang up your kayak, Son.)

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Lips that Touch Liquor

2010-01-10T19:54:00.007-07:00

Posted by C.L Beck
(Received in an email from Karen Mittan)

With it being a new year, people are making resolutions right and left. Some vow to lose weight, others promise to quit smoking, and a few intrepid individuals even declare they'll give up drinking alcohol.

So it is, that I dedicate today's post to those brave souls who have resolved to give up the demon drink ... and of course, to their wives, who stand firmly behind them!

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster ...

... I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking?

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Church Bloopers

2010-01-04T05:40:00.004-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck

One of the things I loved about writing and editing Mormon Mishaps was the fact that bloopers that happen at church seem so much funnier than those that happen elsewhere. Perhaps it's because the expectation is that funny things are not supposed to happen in church.

But, then again, why not? Heavenly Father surely has a sense of humor, or he never would've created the duck-billed platypus.

The following gaffes probably didn't take place in an LDS meeting, but who can say for sure when the bloopers come from an email?

--

Church Bloopers (from church announcements)

~ A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the
usher appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please
come to the church office.

~ A worm welcome to all who have come today.

~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information
sheep.

~ Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.

~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and
Easter.

~ We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

~ Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows.

~ Child care provided with reservations.

~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

~ Were you there when they laid Him in the bomb?

~ Christ is a member of Boy Scout Troop 36.

~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.

~ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was
thirty and you gave me drink.

~ We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of
Jesus Christ.

~ The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday
evening at 7:30 p.m.

~ The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Baines.

~ Boars of Trustees meet after church today.

~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

~ Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour.

~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to
decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.

~ The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this
evening at 6:00 pm.

From: The Good Clean Funnies

Happy New Year to all of you, our loyal readers. We hope 2010 is a prosperous—and humorous—year for you!
----

Warning--Thieves on the Loose

2009-12-27T19:54:00.002-07:00

Posted by Nichole Giles, courtesy of Will and Guy's Humor

Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January.

You may have read of the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true - it occurs to me practically every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.
I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap, unnoticed, something like maturity.

NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face ' lifted' , look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

Yours alarmed,

Peggy Leggs

Magical, Happy Christmas.

2009-12-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nichole (As sent in an email from contributor C. LaRene Hall.)

What a magical, wonderful time of the year for kids!

Gotta love it!

Merry Christmas from the LDS Humor Committee.

Nichole and Cindy--Onstage at Last!

2009-12-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nichole

When Cindy and I first got the contract for Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, the publishing company sent us a questionnaire to fill out. Cindy filled hers out first, then sent it to me to proof read--because that's how we work. She sends me hers, then I send her mine and we proof for each other. Somewhere among the marketing and bio questions, Cindy told the editor that she'd be willing to dress in a chicken suit and dance on the table if it would help sell our book.

That made me laugh. But I couldn't let her be alone in that offer so...in answer to the same question, I offered to dress in a grass skirt and do the Hula.

Granted, originally this book was scheduled for release in October, and if we'd stayed on schedule, there would have been a lot less snow. Alas and alack, I'm a very chilly person by nature and would likely freeze to death were I to try Hula-ing this month. No Hula dance for me.

And to be really honest, Cindy doesn't actually own a chicken suit, though I came very close to buying her one this past Halloween. So, no chicken dance from Cindy.

Since our book launched with a bang (81 books sold in three hours) we're feeling the need to follow through on that particular promise, so we got together and filmed this little clip.

We hope you understand the need to improvise in the costume department, due to the current weather in the towns where we live, and also given the holiday season. All things considered, you'll see that we're both feeling mighty festive.

Have a great holiday season.

Merry Christmas from Nichole and Cindy.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Two Reviews for Mormon Mishaps!

2009-12-09T09:36:00.004-07:00

Posted by C.L. (Cindy) Beck

Just thought you'd like to know that Mormon Mishaps already has two reviews. We're jazzed about both of them, and would like to thank Shanda, at LDS Women's Book Review for her kind words and for posting our book signing dates and times. You can catch her review at
http://www.ldswomensbookreview.com/wordpress/?p=280 . In addition, Shanda is holding a "Countdown to Christmas Giveaway" and we've donated a copy of Mormon Mishaps to the contest!

We'd also like to thank Danyelle Ferguson, that great and mah-velous blogger at Queen of the Clan, for her review out at Amazon.com. Stop by Danyelle's blog when you get a minute, and then head over to Amazon to read the review.

And now ... we return you to your regularly scheduled broadcasting.

Don't Take Life So Seriously

2009-12-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nichole

Dance.

Kiss a lot!

Relax in nature.

Have fun.

And be happy.

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Today's Message of the Day is:

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Have a great week and if you're in the Utah area, come visit us at one of our signings listed on the sidebar.

Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, available now!

A Little Bayou Humor

2009-11-29T14:00:00.004-07:00

This story arrived in C.L. (Cindy's) inbox from The Good Clean Funnies and it's bound to give you a laugh.

Bayou de Allemands by Lane Lefort

Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'

You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

--

Don't forget the Mormon Mishaps and Mischief book launch on Dec. 9, 6-9p, at Barnes and Noble, 330 E 1300 S, Orem, Utah. We'll have prizes, treats, and plenty of copies of Mormon Mishaps and Mischief for your holiday gift giving! Looking forward to seeing you there!

If you can't make it on December 9, we'll also be at Barnes and Noble, 10180 S. State Street, Sandy, UT on December 19, 11:00a to 1:00p.

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A "Mormon Mishaps" Anecdote ... and What Others Are Saying About "Mormon Mishaps and Mischief"

2009-11-23T07:58:00.004-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck

Because we know you're excited to learn a little more about Mormon Mishaps (don't forget the book launch on Dec. 9, 6-9p, at the Orem Barnes and Noble), we're posting another anecdote from the book. Enjoy!

"Favorite Song" by C. L. Beck, from Mormon Mishaps and Mischief

The dark-haired little girl sat on the front row in Primary. When the song leader asked the children what they’d like to sing, her hazel eyes sparkled with excitement. Noticing how eager she was, the chorister smiled and said, “What’s your favorite song?”

The little girl looked into the leader’s eyes and said excitedly, “Pretty Woman.”

Not quite a Primary song, sweetheart.

--

It's not polite to toot one's own horn, right? But, in the world of writing and publishing, if the author doesn't spread the word, who's going to do it for her?

Those of us who are lucky enough to have a network of people that we associate with have a little leg up in that arena. And here at the LDS Humor Blog, we think our fellow authors, editors and publishers are the best! It's with gratitude to them that we post what a few of them have said about Mormon Mishaps and Mischief:

“I can’t help laughing whenever I read blog posts by D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck. The anecdotes in Mormon Mishaps are no exception. Hilarious. These ladies have pulled together some entertaining experiences to which we can all relate – and enjoy a rib-tickling chuckle.” ~ Anne Bradshaw (www.annebradshaw.com), award-winning author of numerous articles and books, including Famous Family Nights, and Please, No Zits!

"Hilarious and entertaining, Mormon Mishaps and Mischief does an excellent job of reminding you it's okay to laugh at yourself." ~ Frank L. Cole (franklewiscole.blogspot.com), author of The Adventures of Hashbrown Winters.

"Mormon Mishaps had me chuckling, giggling, and chortling so hard, my cats came trotting into the room to see what was 'wrong'. Nothing was 'wrong', but everything was 'oh, so right!' D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck have put together a delightful compilation of laugh-out-loud gems. What's not to love about laughter? We all need more of it, so buy this book!" ~ Joyce DiPastena (www.joyce-dipastena.com), author of Loyalty's Web, and Illuminations of the Heart.

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Mormon Mishaps is at the Printers!

2009-11-14T13:51:00.009-07:00

Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, the first humor book by D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck (with anecdotes by our wonderful contributors) has gone to press!

Did you notice our cover image on this site? Well, of course you did, because even a blind, blue booby couldn't miss it. Especially since we included it in this entry and on the sidebar. (For those with raised eyebrows, a blue booby is a bird.)

You can pre-order Mormon Mishaps even as we speak ... er ... we mean write, at Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com or Borders. It will officially be available in bookstores around December 8th.

But ... it will also definitely be at the Orem Barnes and Noble on December 9th. Yes, save that date because we're having a book launch party.

Everyone is invited. Yup, EVERYONE!

We're planning on including readings by our contributors, treats, prizes, and of course, plenty of copies of Mormon Mishaps and Mischief for signings. Come join the fun and get an autographed copy ... or two! They make great Christmas gifts!

When: Dec. 9, 2009, from 6-9PM
Where: The Orem Barnes and Noble, 330 E 1300 S (University Parkway), Orem, Utah
--

AN ANECDOTE FROM MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF (Just to pique your interest.)

A Good Impression by Cathy Witbeck

One lovely Easter Sunday when I was a little girl, my mother put me in the frilly new dress my grandmother had bought me, combed out my ringlets, and washed my face. We wanted to make a good impression. At church, we met Grandma, and I thanked her in my baby girl voice for my sweet new dress. I especially thanked her for my new matching purse. Then I showed her what I had found in the barn to put inside: a dead mouse. My dad laughed. My mom didn’t.

CONTRIBUTORS TO MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF (We're so proud of them.)

Melanie Adams: www.melaniesmuse.blogspot.com
Shirley Bahlmann: www.shirleybahlmann.com, www.shirleybahlmann.blogspot.com
Ginger Bennett
Marnie Blake
Christine Bryant: www.christinebryant.blogspot.com
Kellie Buckner: www.theauthoritativeme.blogspot.com
Rachelle J. Christensen: www.rachellewrites.blogspot.com
Jenny Faires
Danyelle Ferguson: www.queenoftheclan.com, www.queenoftheclan.blogspot.com
Mary Greathouse: www.marysgreathouse.blogspot.com
C. LaRene Hall: clhall.blogspot.com
Juanita Hawley
Ronda Gibb Hinrichsen: www.RondaGibbHinrichsen.com, www.TheWriteBlocks.blogspot.com
Heather Justesen: www.HeatherJustesen.com, www.heatherjustesen.blogspot.com
Nicole Marie King
Scarlet Knight: www.paperandparchment.blogspot.com
Erin Knowles
Susanne Morley
Leif H. Nelson
Dan Olsen: www.thoughtsonlds.blogspot.com, www.thewriteimpression.synthasite.com
Diana L. Rasmussen
Richard Soto
Rebecca Talley: www.rebeccatalley.com, www.rebeccatalleywrites.blogspot.com
Sherry Taylor
Julie Anne Thornton
Marsha Ward: www.marshaward.com, www.marshaward.blogspot.com
Cathy Witbeck: www.cathywitbeck-storypainter.blogspot.com
--

So, remember to mark your calendar for December 9th, and we'll see you there! If you live out of state, can't make it to the book launch and are interested in an autographed copy, email us at ldshumor(at)yahoo(dot)com, and we'll see what we can do.

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The "Over the Top" Award ... by C.L. Beck

2009-11-09T06:00:00.003-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck

LDS Humor was recently given the "Over the Top Blogger Award" by Rachelle Christensen. We feel so honored. And amazed! We knew we were over the top, but we always thought people meant that in the, "Over the top and falling down the other side" kind of way.

According to the rules of the award, we're supposed to answer a number of questions, but in the interest of brevity and the fact that most of you need to go out and plump up the turkey (the bird ... not your spouse) in preparation for Thanksgiving, we'll keep the questions and answers short.

(Nichole has already answered these questions out at her personal blog. If you head out there, you can read her answers.)

1. Where is your cell phone? That is a very good question. I'm getting ready to fly to San Francisco and just went through security at the airport, so it could be any place—most likely back in the gray bins, where they x-rayed me enough to see through to my backbone.

Oh wait, here it is in my pocket, glowing from all those x-rays.

2. Your hair? Yes, I have some. Is that the question? I couldn't quite tell.

3. My mother? Yes, I have one of those, too.

4. Your father? Yes! Wow, three in a row. Am I a winner? Really, with this kind of luck I should go to Vegas.

5. What room are you in? You know that forlorn, round boarding area at the end of Terminal 1 at the Salt Lake City Airport? Yup, that's right, the one where they put all the Southwest passengers. The one that never has enough air conditioning in the summer or heat in the winter. That's where I am. Feeling like I'm flying with what the Airport Authority considers to be the Cinderella of the airline business.

6. Your dream/goal? Because I just found out my flight will be delayed, my new goal in life is to leave this little round area in Terminal 1 before Christmas.

7. Your hobby? Watching the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth as passengers discover they'll be sitting in this heat and oxygen-deprived terminal for another hour.

8. Your fear? The SLC Airport Authority will rename Terminal 1 to The Terminal-ator.

9. Where will you be in the next 6 years? Probably still sitting here, covered in cobwebs, while my laptop continues searching for a wireless connection.

10. Something you aren't. Ever flying again!

11. Wish list item? Oh, come on. You're really going to ask me that when you know I'm sitting, waiting for a delayed flight?

12. Your life? In a holding pattern.

13. Missing someone? Yes, Flight 289, which was supposed to be leaving Salt Lake City and winging its way to Oakland. Instead it's sitting on the ground in Las Vegas while the pilot and co-pilot use their laptops to figure out crew schedules. Or maybe to play Fantasy Football. I'm not sure.

14. One place that I go over and over? To the little girl's room. I'm thinking I should never had discovered that Orange Julius stand down the way.

15. Favorite place to eat? Ummm, you mean at this terminal? Well, I wouldn't exactly call it my favorite place to eat, since I wouldn't choose to go there for our anniversary, but if you're ever stranded in the Salt Lake City Airport, The City Deli in Terminal-ator 1 makes a pretty good sandwich.

Now to pass this award on. Bestowal of this award requires that we give it to others, but alas, all our friends and fans already have it. Therefore, if you're reading this, haven't received the award yet and would like to have it, consider yourself bestowed.

[Note: Finally made it to San Francisco and back again, but I thought you'd enjoy the parting words of Southwest Airlines: "Thank you for flying with Southwest, where we love you ... and your money."

Their sense of humor almost makes up for the hour delay.]

Praise for Mormon Mishaps and Mischief

2009-11-02T07:01:00.005-07:00

What Others are Saying about Our Book!

I can’t help laughing whenever I read blog posts by D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck. The anecdotes in Mormon Mishaps are equally hilarious. These ladies have pulled together some entertaining experiences to which we can all relate—while enjoying a rib-tickling chuckle.
~ Anne Bradshaw, award-winning author of Famous Family Nights and Please, No Zits

Hilarious and entertaining, Mormon Mishaps and Mischief does an excellent job of reminding you it’s okay to laugh at yourself.
~ Frank L. Cole, author of The Adventures of Hashbrown Winters

Mormon Mishaps had me chuckling, giggling, and chortling so hard, my cats came trotting into the room to see what was “wrong.” Nothing was “wrong,” but everything was “oh, so right!” D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck have put together a delightful compilation of laugh-out-loud gems. What’s not to love about laughter? We all need more of it, so buy this book!
~ Joyce DiPastena, author of Loyalty’s Web, and Illuminations of the Heart

In Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, Giles and Beck bring together a rare combination of delightful humor, poignant slice-of-life vignettes, and charming memories. A collection of uplifting stories that will brighten any day.
~ H.B. Moore, award-winning author of Abinadi and Alma

D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck are both blessed with an amazing sense of humor, and in their new release, Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, they bring to life some of the hysterical things that can—and do—happen in the Church, around the Church, about the Church. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll recognize yourself in many of the situations. A must-read and a must-laugh.
~ Tristi Pinkston, editor, media reviewer, and award-winning author of Agent in Old Lace

Mormon Mishaps will leave you laughing, uplifted, and feeling better about life. It's so comforting to know crazy things happen to other people too! These authors have a wonderful sense of humor!
~ Kersten Campbell, author of Confessions of a Completely (In)Sane Mother

Extinct ... and "Mormon Mishap" News!

2009-11-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

Posted by C.L. Beck

November is such a busy month that we're doing our best to keep the humor short and sweet. That way, you'll have plenty of time to clean the house, garage and car, before the clan arrives for Thanksgiving.

(And December will be less busy, right?)

Extinct

Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other
kids what "extinct" meant.

"Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the
dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't
stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

From: The Good Clean Funnies.
--
EXCITING NEWS ABOUT MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF: We just received the proofs from our publisher, CFI, late Friday afternoon. We love the cute, humorous font chosen for the titles, and our editor, Heidi Doxey, is doing a wonderful job. We're so excited to work with her and to be one step closer to the finished product.

Don't forget that Mormon Mishaps and Mischief will be out on the shelves in time for your Christmas shopping. It makes a great gift for Aunt Persnickety and Uncle Lunkhead ... or anyone else on your list.

(To our contributors: So far, all contributors that were notified of initial acceptance are still included in the book. Wahoo! But ... nothing is set in stone yet. We know you're anxious for the final word, and we'll let you know as soon as we hear.)

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Grocery Store Musical

2009-10-25T12:58:00.000-06:00

Posted By Nichole

Another improv group shows up in a random place to entertain. Why don't they do this in my local grocery store? I'd sure enjoy going there a lot more.

We still don't have an exact date for Mormon Mishaps and Mischief yet, but are told to plan for it to be available for order online in the beginning of December, and in stores the week before Christmas. Any contributors wishing to advertise the book on their blogs, websites, or other medium please feel free. No permission needed. Promote your stories! You deserve it.

Have a great week.

Senior Citizen

2009-10-18T17:26:00.000-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles (received in an email)

This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet - a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food
and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. His mother offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Catholic School Quiz

2009-10-11T22:15:00.007-06:00

Posted by Nichole (as received in an email from contributor Connie Hall.)

The following comes from a Catholic elementary school test on the Old and New Testaments. All of these statements about the bible were written by the children, and have not been retouched or corrected in spelling, grammar, or text.

Imagine being the nun who got to grade these papers. How hard would it be to keep a straight face and maintain your composure?

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

If Life Were Like Facebook

2009-10-04T20:06:00.004-06:00

©By Nichole Giles

If Life were like Facebook...

Poking someone you’ve only ever met once would be a perfectly acceptable form of greeting.

You get to choose whether or not to be friends with someone—and you can take all the time you need to decide. Confirm or deny?

Hitting your family and friends in various body parts with different types of food would be considered a daily dinner ritual.

No one could make the claim that they had more friends than someone else unless it was really true.

Everyone in the world could be friends with a celebrity or two. Or fifty.

Psychics would lose their jobs because people could tell their own futures, including day and time of death, by taking a quiz.

You could ignore people without being obvious.

Single people would never again have to endure those tired pickup lines. Instead, the dating ritual would be reduced to super-soakers filled with love potion.

You could easily hide that obnoxious person who drives you crazy. They could keep being themselves, and you wouldn’t have to know about it.

You never have to wonder where your friends are, because everyone always checks in to tell you where they are and what they’re doing. Ex: So-and-so just went to the grocery store to hit the big toilet paper sale.

Having someone kidnap you to a foreign country would be considered a gesture of friendship.

TV would become obsolete as the world watched real-life personal drama unfold on their newsreel.

When someone made you mad, you could get back at them by tagging them in an embarrassing photo and sharing it with all of their friends, and yours too.

It would be completely acceptable to write on people’s walls.

And finally, everyone you know would have a successful, thriving farm.

It Must be Monday!

2009-09-28T00:30:00.001-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck
Received in an email, author unknown.

It Must be Monday!

First, you had trouble getting out of bed.

You had a stiff neck.

You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it.

Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out.

You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise.

Your new hat looked better on you at the store.

The boss chewed you out at work.

Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime.

On top of that, you thought you were coming down with the flu.

And finally, you were alone in the house at night when you thought you heard a noise in the basement.

MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!

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Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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Pocket Taser

2009-09-20T14:25:00.005-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck
Author unknown, received in an email.

I didn't write this, although it's so funny, I wish I had. A friend sent it in an email, and I could actually envision a number of my guys trying what the man said he did in this story. I laughed until I cried while I read it. Hope you enjoy it.

Photo by Junglecat/Wikimedia Commons

Pocket Taser: Only a Man Would Try This
(Author unknown)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing the victim adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it." I figured that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....

HOLY COW . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my chest burning, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HECK!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

And I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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Musical Mayhem

2009-09-14T00:20:00.001-06:00

By Cindy Beck

I ran across this video at Anne Bradshaw's blog and it really had me grinning, so I thought I'd post it for your enjoyment. The acapella group doing the singing is called, "Moosebutter."

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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"Mishaps" News ... and Grab Yer Partner

2009-09-07T04:41:00.000-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

The Latest News

We found out on Friday that Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, our hilarious LDS humor book, will be in the Cedar Fort warehouse the first week in December, and on the shelves at bookstores no later than the week before Christmas (and possibly earlier).

Mormon Mishaps makes a great gift book/stocking stuffer. At the projected price of $9.99, you won't find a more fun packed gift in its price range!

For those who may want to buy it to mail to relatives as Christmas gifts, there'll be an option for purchasing it as soon as it comes into the Cedar Fort warehouse. We'll have more information available over the next month or so, and we'll give you the particulars as soon as we get them.

Grab Yer Partner

Okay, y'all, it's time for some down home fun. Grab yer partner and let 'er rip!

(Thanks to Karen Mittan, who emailed this to Cindy.)

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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A Few Quick Quips

2009-08-31T07:04:00.000-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Just thought we'd post a few quick quips to brighten your day! (Received in an email.)

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller prison escapee is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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Dijon Vu

2009-08-24T07:52:00.002-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck
(Received in an email)

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Just a few thoughts to brighten your day and make you smile:

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

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A big THANK YOU to Ali Cross, who nominated us for the Kreativ Blogger Award. Ali is a sweetheart, and a good friend. Not to mention a talented writer, so when you get a sec, check out Ali's blog!

We've answered the seven essential questions required by the award at our individual blogs. Check out Cindy's blog and Nichole's blog to see what's been said!

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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Can't Touch This

2009-08-17T11:01:00.002-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

Enjoy ... and may the Force be with you!

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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Walk Down the Aisle

2009-08-10T04:14:00.002-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

This is a walk-down-the-aisle to remember! It's a little longer than some videos, but worth watching all the way through to the bride's entrance.

(If you have trouble getting it to load--as sometimes happens--right click on the video's title and it'll bring up a dialogue box where you can click to watch it on YouTube.)

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!

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Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

2009-08-03T04:56:00.002-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

Good for a chuckle!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command

C:// I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Joyce at Tech Support

(From the Good Clean Funnies. The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php)

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!

Amazing Catch--and By a Girl!

2009-07-26T20:33:00.004-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles

I've heard that during World War II, women's baseball was hugely popular. At the time, women were busy picking up the slack for all the men who'd gone off to fight for our freedom. The war itself was a turning point for females in many ways--one being that ladies all over the country proved to themselves and the rest of the world that we truly can do whatever we set our minds to do.

This particular woman is a modern day ball girl, not a player, but boy this catch is amazing. It just goes to show, girls can be good at sports, too.

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 CASH PRIZE!

Something in the Water

2009-07-19T21:32:00.003-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles

Okay, all I really want to know is what's in that water and where can I get some?

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 CASH PRIZE!

Kids In Church

2009-07-12T12:34:00.009-06:00

Posted by Nichole
As sent to Nichole in an email

Don't you just love kids?

3-year-old Reese : "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, five-year-old Kevin, and three-year-old Ryan. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan , you be Jesus !"

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?''

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 CASH PRIZE!

Crazy Eights Tag #2--Nichole

2009-07-04T00:59:00.007-06:00

Posted by Nichole

I don’t know how, because I already did this once on my personal blog, but I’m tagged again. And since it was Cindy who tagged me, even though I was the one who tagged her in the first place, I figure I’ll play. Again.

But before I do, I have a question. What happens to all these games of blogger tag when everyone in the whole world who has a blog has already been tagged? Does the game officially stop? And if so, does that mean the last person wins or loses? Or does the game keep going, recycling back to the people who started it in the first place, continuing on for eternity or until computers and blogs are obsolete?

Just wondering.

Okay, so here are my answers to the most current game floating around the blog-o-sphere.

Eight Things I Look Forward To:

1. Seeing Mormon Mishaps and Mischief in print! (Come on all, cheer with me!)

2. Throwing a big party to celebrate with our contributors.

3. Seeing Cindy dress up in a chicken suit and dance on a table like she offered to do when we got the contract.

4. Winning the lottery. (Hey, don’t laugh, I got a fortune cookie that told me it’s going to happen, and those things are deadly accurate.)

5. Using my lotto money to hire a housekeeper who scrubs toilets, folds laundry and picks up doggie-doodie.

6. Hiring that dog-trainer lady on Animal Planet to train my dogs to use the toilet instead of the lawn so the housekeeper person no longer has doodie-duty.

7. Hiring a cook who knows how to make fortune cookies that say I’ll get a national book contract and an agent. And maybe a small tropical island.

8. Learning how to scuba-dive so I can discover the true location of the lost Atlantis. (Okay, so a cookie didn’t actually prophesy this, but I did dream it once—I think. Or maybe it was the ride at Sea World that told me.)

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Chopped down a cherry tree.

2. Okay, well really just a few branches of a cherry tree. And there were no cherries on it.

3. Launched an investigation into who stole all the cherries off my grandma’s tree.

4. Climbed said tree looking for evidence.

5. Discovered a nest full of pits, and two angry birds with sharp beaks.

6. Screamed and jumped out of the tree.

7. Ran to my eighty-year-old grandma yelling, “Killer birds on the loose! Run! Run!”

8. Decided the neighbor kids ate the cherries.

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Solve the real mystery of the missing cherries.

2. Not be afraid of killer birds.

3. Look as good in a chicken suit as my friend Cindy.

4. Find the million-dollar suitcase on that stupid game show.

5. Contribute part of my million dollars to the Pennies for Cell Phones foundation.

6. Find Waldo.

7. Discover the secret lair of cyber-gremlins and get back all my lost emails from the last ten years.

8. Own a small jet and a pilot so I could sign books all over the world. (Hey, I never said they have to be MY books.)

Eight Shows I Watch:

1. Today I watched “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.” A forty-year-old fourth grade teacher lost the game on the third question. The answer was 27, lady! (She was not smarter than a ten-year-old, apparently.)

2. I really like 24, but I think it the number should stand for 24 days instead of 24 hours—because people in the real world just don’t work that fast.

3. Heroes, because, well, who doesn’t love people with super-powers? (Especially all us fantasy geeks.) But the bad guys, not so much. They’re kind of mean.

4. Prison Break—because I want to know what to do if I ever get thrown in the slammer and need to break out. (Cindy, will you come save me? You could get a tattoo of the blueprints on your back, and we’ll tunnel out.)

5. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles—so I’ll be prepared in case invincible robots ever decide to try and take over the world. (I wonder if they’ll recognize me in Cindy’s chicken suit?)

6. The food network because someday they might teach me how to make my own fortune cookies, and I really don’t want to miss that episode.

7. Orbitz gum commercials: because they’re stinkin funny.

8. This other Orbitz gum commercial, because, well, they’re all funny.

Eight Friends I’m Tagging:

1. William Shakespeare who writes characters to die for.

2. Jane Austen if she can ever get over her Pride and Prejudice, and use some Sense and Sensibility to discover how fun blog tags can be.

3. Louis Carroll who might be able to tell us where to find the white rabbit.

4. Leo Tolstoy who knows more about War and Peace than anyone in the world.

5. Edgar Allen Poe who’s favorite pet is a killer raven, nevermore.

6. Beethoven who really needed a lesson in picking titles for his works. (Seriously? The fifth is the best title you could think of?)

7. Michelangelo—the artist, not the Ninja Turtle.

8. Edward Cullen—because he has all the time in the world.

Oh, and number nine: All the contributors to our upcoming book, “Mormon Mishaps and Mischief: Hilarious Stories for Saints.” Yeah, that’s right. I just tagged you! Now, make sure you come back here and let us know you posted so we can link to your entry.

Are Women Born This Way?

2009-06-28T21:46:00.004-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

Although this video doesn't really give us a clue as to whether women are born this way, you do have to laugh at the little girl. Take a minute to watch the expressions on her face.

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2!
$50 CASH PRIZE!

Crazy Eights

2009-06-21T20:01:00.000-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

I was recently tagged by Danyelle Ferguson (Queen of the Clan), as well as by my good friend and co-author, Nichole Giles (Nichole's Musings) in a game of Crazy Eights Tag. The idea behind the game is to tell four sets of eight things that might be of interest to others. Since I don't seem to have much on my list of "Things with Which to Impress My Enemies and Bore My Friends," I'll just go ahead and write whatever comes to mind ... and tell you all the things about me that you never wanted to know and were afraid to ask me not to tell.

Eight Things I Look Forward To:
1. Breakfast
2. Lunch
3. Supper
4. Having long legs and silky hair in the next life.
5. No, I don't mean long legs covered in silky hair. Then I'd have to shave more.
6. And I don't mean long legs in addition to the two short ones I already have. That would make me a ~~quadriphead~~ ... ~~quadraphed~~ ... aw heck, a four-legged person.
7. At this point, I'm looking forward to learning to spell correctly in the next life.

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Breathed in.
2. Breathed out.
3. Listened for a heart beat.
4. Hooray, I was still alive and kicking!
5. Accidentally left my cell phone in my pant's pocket.
6. Washed the very same pants in the washing machine.
7. Called my cell phone from my land line and wondered why it didn't ring.
8. Wondered if anybody had loose change they'd like donate to that world-famous charitable group, "Pennies for Cell Phones." You know, the group that buys and gives cell phones to worthy ~~receptients~~ ... ~~receivenpents~~ ... aw heck, poor spellers around the globe.

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Suck stuff out of the drain.
2. No, not with my mouth. With a vacuum cleaner. Do I hear you ask, "What kind of stuff?" Oh, I don't know ... false teeth maybe. Not that I have false teeth, but you never know what lies ahead and if my teeth (false or otherwise) were to fall down the drain, I'd like to be able to get them back again.
3. Take care of my teeth so I don't ever need to suck false ones out of the drain.
4. Invent something cool.
5. Invent something cool that would make me forty-eleven gazillion dollars so I could buy a new cell phone.
6. Learn to play a musical instrument ... perhaps a wazoo.
7. Oops, sorry that was supposed to be kazoo!
8. Learn to type better.

Eight Shows I Watch:
1-8 (Okay, this counts for all eight, because I've watched this video at least eight times while trying to embed the code). Taaaa-daaa! I give you my favorite dog flea repellent commercial:

Eight Friends I Am Tagging (but if they've already been tagged or don't want to play, it's fine with me. I'm jiggy with it):
1. Nichole Giles ... who has to respond at this blog.
2. Harry Houdini ... who'll have to contact us from the great beyond.
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger ... who promised he'd be back.
4. Waldo ... if anybody knows where he is.
5. Abbott and Costello ... once they figure out who's on first.
6. Corky Porky Pie ... my pooch who knows how to speak, but not in English.
7. FrizzBee Beck ... my visiting doggy-in-law.
8. Porky Pig ... and ttttthat's all, folks.

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2!
$50 CASH PRIZE!

A Few Funny Stories

2009-06-14T19:15:00.014-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

Lone Ranger and Tonto Went Camping

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look at sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute and then said, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo patties. It mean someone stole tent!"

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Drummond vs. the Baptists

In a small Texas town, the owner of Drummond's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

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Auto Shopping

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied,"Probably a crowbar."

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(Stories from The Good Clean Funnies.)
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Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2!
$50 CASH PRIZE!

Points to Ponder

2009-06-08T08:33:00.006-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck
(Received in an email, author unknown)

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

Why do brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in our series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2!
$50 CASH PRIZE!

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The Latest News about Our Humor Book

2009-06-01T00:11:00.002-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Did you figure out why the above photo is titled, "The Trap is Set"? (I'll give you a hint below.)

Now that you've had a minute to chuckle about the picture, it's time to give an update on our humor book. The not-so-good news is that Cedar Fort Publishing has pushed the publication date from October to December 2009.

Yes, we groaned when we heard about it, too.

But, the good news? We have an official title! The book will be called:

Mormon Mishaps and Mischief
(Hilarious Stories for Saints)

It should be out in time for Christmas.

In these difficult times, we all need a laugh. And what better gift is there for holiday giving than a book of humor? It's something your loved ones can carry into the powder room and then laugh their fannies off. (It makes it very easy to take care of business in the powder room when you're missing a fanny.)

So, don't despair (no, not about missing fannies, but about the change in the book's release date) and have patience just a bit longer. We promise it's worth the wait!

(Hint about the picture: If you look between the pillow and the couch, you'll see a little black face and a pair of eyes, waiting to attack. No, the eyes aren't waiting to attack, the cat is.)

Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in our series? Click here for guidelines to More Mirth From the Members!
$50 CASH PRIZE!

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You Know You Grew Up in the 80's if:

2009-05-25T00:10:00.002-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles (gotta love email jokes!)

I've posted jokes about getting older and dieting recently, so I thought it appropriate to now poke a little fun at my own generation. Yes, folks, these are the things of my childhood. And I remember them all. If I didn't, they wouldn't have made the cut. If you aren't a child of the 80's, you may not get some of the the jokes. But if you go through and look at the pictures, you'll probably laugh anyway.

You know You Grew Up In the 80's if:

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "Sike."

2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton.
3. You know that "Woah" comes from Joey on Blossom.

4. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock."
5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

8. You made yo ur mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

9. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House).

10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

11. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off."

12. You wanted to be a Goonie.

13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing (some of us...head-to-toe).

14. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

16. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

17. You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets.

18. You still get the urge to say "Not" after every sentence.

19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

21. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.

22. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

23. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."

24. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

25. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

26. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

27. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

28. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

29. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

30. Y ou remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB."

31. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The original class.

32. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - "Shot Through the Heart.

33. You just sang those words to yourself.

34. You still sing "We are the World."
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a bannana clip.
37. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
39. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

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6 Reasons Not to Mess With Children

2009-05-18T13:39:00.006-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles
(As sent in an email to Nichole)

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. One little girl worked very diligently, and the teacher asked what the girl was drawing.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note.

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Flying Those Friendly Skies

2009-05-11T06:22:00.000-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck
(Received in an email, author unknown.)

Anyone who's flown more than once has experienced turbulence, rough landings, or other problems. Every once in a while, though, there is a funny side to our "fear of flying" experiences.

Airline Announcements:

A United Flight Attendant announced, “People, people we're not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no, Ma'am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”
*******************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
*************************************
During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it due to the wind. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!”
***********************************
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
***********************************
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses ... except for that gentleman over there.”
******************************************
By a Southwest Airlines flight attendant just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: “That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.”
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: “We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.”
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight—“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”
****************************************

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You Know You’re a Mother When ...

2009-04-30T10:12:00.007-06:00

© 2009
By Cindy Beck and Nichole Giles

Mother's Day is speeding toward us, and since we both happen to have mothers and to be mothers, we've come up with a few thoughts on the subject.

You know You’re a Mother When …

You carry animal crackers, baby wipes, and super glue in your purse.

You hate peas but all the same, you pat your tummy, roll your eyes and say, "Ooo nummy," to your toddler … while eating the horrid things (the peas, not the toddler) for his benefit.

You're at a business dinner and reach over to cut your associate's meat for him.

Your car is always stocked with a hospital grade first aid kit and picnic supplies for ten.

You finally let your teenager out on her first date, but you're so nervous she'll end up in a car wreck/crack house/ parked at Lover's Lane that you pace the floor, eating everything in sight, until she returns.

The six-disc CD changer in your car doesn't contain a single grown-up CD.

You believe baby wipes are man's greatest invention.

You put on your makeup, and use eyebrow pencil on your lips and lipstick on your eyebrows because you've been up all night with a sick baby.

You remember all the names of a five-year-old's stuffed animals--even if he has sixty-seven of them.

You sit down to have the "Chat" (ah, yes, chastity) with your daughter, and she says (while rolling her eyes), "Honestly, Mother. I already know all about this."

You send your husband in to have the "Chat" (ah, yes, chastity) with your pre-teen son, but hear them discussing hunting/sports/the virtue of various flavors of jerky, instead. And you realize you're going to have to be the one to talk to the boy.

You know by heart the entire dialogue for the most recently released Disney DVD.

You know how to get paste out of hair and gum off the walls ... or vice versa.

In the grocery store, you hear a small sob and a voice saying, "Mommy, where are you?" and you turn to help, even though your youngest is away on his mission, and the voice that sobbed doesn't belong to you.

(Happy Mother's Day!)

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Laughing With You, Not At You

2009-04-27T12:09:00.009-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles

Unfortunate as it is, we all get older. And as we do, we have...um...certain experiences that sneak up and smack us in the face to be sure we realize that our minds and bodies are aging together. When these moments happen, we may not consider it very funny. But others around us probably do. That's when we have to learn to look in the mirror and laugh at ourselves. It would never do to let everyone else have all the fun.

I really enjoyed these comics sent to me via email, and hopefully, you will too. Just rememer, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you.

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Funny Comics by Randy Glasbergen

2009-04-20T00:23:00.001-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles

We all want to be fit and take care of our bodies, but let's face it, exercising doesn't sound nearly as appealing as...well...not. And no one actually wants to diet. Do they?

Easter Keester

2009-04-11T19:53:00.003-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck
(Received via email from Nichole Giles)

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I
LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket

Walk softly and carry a big carrot

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears

There's no such thing as too much candy

All work and no play can make you a basket case

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day

Some body parts should be floppy

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans

Good things come in small sugarcoated packages

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

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At the Zoo

2009-04-05T17:37:00.001-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

A father and his small son stood in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Dad explained that tigers were strong and ferocious, and Junior took it all in with a serious expression.

"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ... "

"You don't need to worry about that, those bars are really strong" the father interjected, thinking maybe he'd emphasized the tiger's wild nature a bit too much.

"Oh, I know," the boy replied. "But if he did get out and eat you up ... what bus should I take home?"

Adapted from the Good Clean Funnies.

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The Year 1909

2009-03-30T14:14:00.006-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles

(Recieved via email)

The year is 1909.

One hundred years ago.

What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1909:

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in 1909 was 22cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Fathers's day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.'(Shocking? I know!)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant of domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A..

I am now going to post this on a blog using a cut and paste function on my computer, which saves me the trouble of even typing it myself. From there, it will be seen by others all over the WORLD--all in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND.

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The Water Closet; Potty Humor

2009-03-23T09:44:00.003-06:00

Posted by Nichole Giles
(Contributed courtesy of Cathy Witbeck.)

Good Monday, humor readers. Today's funny was contributed by our good friend and fellow contributor Cathy Witbeck, who sent us this joke to brighten our day. After we were finished laughing, we decided to pass it on to you. We hope you have a laugh-out-loud week. Enjoy!

It seems that a little old English lady was looking for some rooms in Switzerland. She asked the local village school master to help her. A place that suited her was finally found and the lady returned to London for her luggage. She remembered then that she had not noticed a bathroom, or as she called it, a "water closet". So she wrote to the school master.

He was puzzled by the initials "W.C.", never dreaming, of course, that she was asking about a bathroom. He finally asked the help of the parish priest who decided that W.C. stood for Wesleyan Church. This was his reply:

Dear Madam,

The W.C. is situated nine miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of holding 350 people at a time and is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday each week. A large number of folks attend during the summer months, so it is suggested you go early, although there is plenty of standing room. Some folk like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good and everyone can hear the slightest sound.

It may be of interest to you to know that my daughter was married in our W.C. and it was there she met her husband.

We hope you will be there in time for our bazaar to be held very soon. The proceeds will go towards the purchase of plush seats which the folks agree are a long-felt need, as the present ones all have holes in them.

My wife is rather delicate, therefore she cannot attend regularly. It has been six months since the last time she went. Naturally, it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

I shall close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible and I will be happy to save you a seat down front or near the door, whichever you prefer.

School Master

Women Drivers

2009-03-16T07:10:00.000-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

Okay, I'll admit it—I'm a woman driver. It's strictly because of my gender, however, not because I can't park a car or because I run over bicycles on the sidewalk. Even so, being female doesn't mean I can't laugh at some of the things women drivers do. And when a friend sent me this, I knew I just had to share it with you.

Have a tissue handy when you watch the video below, because you're going to laugh so hard you'll cry.

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An Opening for an Assassin

2009-03-09T20:09:00.001-06:00

Posted by Cindy Beck

Since I don't want to ruin the punchline, I'm not going to say much about this ... except that someone emailed it to me, and it had me laughing out loud. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

THE ASSASSIN

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

The agent said, "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

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