Extinct ... and "Mormon Mishap" News!

Posted by C.L. Beck

November is such a busy month that we're doing our best to keep the humor short and sweet. That way, you'll have plenty of time to clean the house, garage and car, before the clan arrives for Thanksgiving.

(And December will be less busy, right?)



Extinct

Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other
kids what "extinct" meant.

"Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the
dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't
stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

From: The Good Clean Funnies.
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EXCITING NEWS ABOUT MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF: We just received the proofs from our publisher, CFI, late Friday afternoon. We love the cute, humorous font chosen for the titles, and our editor, Heidi Doxey, is doing a wonderful job. We're so excited to work with her and to be one step closer to the finished product.

Don't forget that Mormon Mishaps and Mischief will be out on the shelves in time for your Christmas shopping. It makes a great gift for Aunt Persnickety and Uncle Lunkhead ... or anyone else on your list.

(To our contributors: So far, all contributors that were notified of initial acceptance are still included in the book. Wahoo! But ... nothing is set in stone yet. We know you're anxious for the final word, and we'll let you know as soon as we hear.)

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Grocery Store Musical

Posted By Nichole 


Another improv group shows up in a random place to entertain.  Why don't they do this in my local grocery store? I'd sure enjoy going there a lot more.



We still don't have an exact date for Mormon Mishaps and Mischief yet, but are told to plan for it to be available for order online in the beginning of December, and in stores the week before Christmas. Any contributors wishing to advertise the book on their blogs, websites, or other medium please feel free. No permission needed. Promote your stories! You deserve it.

Have a great week.

Senior Citizen

Posted by Nichole Giles (received in an email)

This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet - a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food
and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. His mother offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Catholic School Quiz

Posted by Nichole (as received in an email from contributor Connie Hall.)

The following comes from a Catholic elementary school test on the Old and New Testaments. All of these statements about the bible were written by the children, and have not been retouched or corrected in spelling, grammar, or text.

Imagine being the nun who got to grade these papers. How hard would it be to keep a straight face and maintain your composure?

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.


5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.


6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

If Life Were Like Facebook

©By Nichole Giles

If Life were like Facebook...

Poking someone you’ve only ever met once would be a perfectly acceptable form of greeting.

You get to choose whether or not to be friends with someone—and you can take all the time you need to decide. Confirm or deny?

Hitting your family and friends in various body parts with different types of food would be considered a daily dinner ritual.

No one could make the claim that they had more friends than someone else unless it was really true.

Everyone in the world could be friends with a celebrity or two. Or fifty.

Psychics would lose their jobs because people could tell their own futures, including day and time of death, by taking a quiz.

You could ignore people without being obvious.

Single people would never again have to endure those tired pickup lines. Instead, the dating ritual would be reduced to super-soakers filled with love potion.

You could easily hide that obnoxious person who drives you crazy. They could keep being themselves, and you wouldn’t have to know about it.

You never have to wonder where your friends are, because everyone always checks in to tell you where they are and what they’re doing. Ex: So-and-so just went to the grocery store to hit the big toilet paper sale.

Having someone kidnap you to a foreign country would be considered a gesture of friendship.

TV would become obsolete as the world watched real-life personal drama unfold on their newsreel.

When someone made you mad, you could get back at them by tagging them in an embarrassing photo and sharing it with all of their friends, and yours too.

It would be completely acceptable to write on people’s walls.

And finally, everyone you know would have a successful, thriving farm.

It Must be Monday!

Posted by Cindy Beck
Received in an email, author unknown.


It Must be Monday!

First, you had trouble getting out of bed.




You had a stiff neck.




You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it.




Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out.




You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise.




Your new hat looked better on you at the store.




The boss chewed you out at work.




Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime.




On top of that, you thought you were coming down with the flu.




And finally, you were alone in the house at night when you thought you heard a noise in the basement.




MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!

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Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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Pocket Taser

Posted by Cindy Beck
Author unknown, received in an email.

I didn't write this, although it's so funny, I wish I had. A friend sent it in an email, and I could actually envision a number of my guys trying what the man said he did in this story. I laughed until I cried while I read it. Hope you enjoy it.


Photo by Junglecat/Wikimedia Commons


Pocket Taser: Only a Man Would Try This
(Author unknown)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing the victim adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it." I figured that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....

HOLY COW . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my chest burning, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HECK!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

And I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!


Interested in submitting a humorous story to the next book in the LDS Humor series? Click here for guidelines to Mormon Mishaps and Mischief 2! $50 PAYMENT FOR THE TOP PUBLISHED STORY!
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