Mormon Mishaps is at the Printers!

Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, the first humor book by D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck (with anecdotes by our wonderful contributors) has gone to press!



Did you notice our cover image on this site? Well, of course you did, because even a blind, blue booby couldn't miss it. Especially since we included it in this entry and on the sidebar. (For those with raised eyebrows, a blue booby is a bird.)

You can pre-order Mormon Mishaps even as we speak ... er ... we mean write, at Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com or Borders. It will officially be available in bookstores around December 8th.

But ... it will also definitely be at the Orem Barnes and Noble on December 9th. Yes, save that date because we're having a book launch party.

Everyone is invited. Yup, EVERYONE!

We're planning on including readings by our contributors, treats, prizes, and of course, plenty of copies of Mormon Mishaps and Mischief for signings. Come join the fun and get an autographed copy ... or two! They make great Christmas gifts!

When: Dec. 9, 2009, from 6-9PM
Where: The Orem Barnes and Noble, 330 E 1300 S (University Parkway), Orem, Utah
--

AN ANECDOTE FROM MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF (Just to pique your interest.)

A Good Impression by Cathy Witbeck

One lovely Easter Sunday when I was a little girl, my mother put me in the frilly new dress my grandmother had bought me, combed out my ringlets, and washed my face. We wanted to make a good impression. At church, we met Grandma, and I thanked her in my baby girl voice for my sweet new dress. I especially thanked her for my new matching purse. Then I showed her what I had found in the barn to put inside: a dead mouse. My dad laughed. My mom didn’t.

CONTRIBUTORS TO MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF (We're so proud of them.)

Melanie Adams: www.melaniesmuse.blogspot.com
Shirley Bahlmann: www.shirleybahlmann.com, www.shirleybahlmann.blogspot.com
Ginger Bennett
Marnie Blake
Christine Bryant: www.christinebryant.blogspot.com
Kellie Buckner: www.theauthoritativeme.blogspot.com
Rachelle J. Christensen: www.rachellewrites.blogspot.com
Jenny Faires
Danyelle Ferguson: www.queenoftheclan.com, www.queenoftheclan.blogspot.com
Mary Greathouse: www.marysgreathouse.blogspot.com
C. LaRene Hall: clhall.blogspot.com
Juanita Hawley
Ronda Gibb Hinrichsen: www.RondaGibbHinrichsen.com, www.TheWriteBlocks.blogspot.com
Heather Justesen: www.HeatherJustesen.com, www.heatherjustesen.blogspot.com
Nicole Marie King
Scarlet Knight: www.paperandparchment.blogspot.com
Erin Knowles
Susanne Morley
Leif H. Nelson
Dan Olsen: www.thoughtsonlds.blogspot.com, www.thewriteimpression.synthasite.com
Diana L. Rasmussen
Richard Soto
Rebecca Talley: www.rebeccatalley.com, www.rebeccatalleywrites.blogspot.com
Sherry Taylor
Julie Anne Thornton
Marsha Ward: www.marshaward.com, www.marshaward.blogspot.com
Cathy Witbeck: www.cathywitbeck-storypainter.blogspot.com
--

So, remember to mark your calendar for December 9th, and we'll see you there! If you live out of state, can't make it to the book launch and are interested in an autographed copy, email us at ldshumor(at)yahoo(dot)com, and we'll see what we can do.

----

The "Over the Top" Award ... by C.L. Beck

Posted by C.L. Beck



LDS Humor was recently given the "Over the Top Blogger Award" by Rachelle Christensen. We feel so honored. And amazed! We knew we were over the top, but we always thought people meant that in the, "Over the top and falling down the other side" kind of way.

According to the rules of the award, we're supposed to answer a number of questions, but in the interest of brevity and the fact that most of you need to go out and plump up the turkey (the bird ... not your spouse) in preparation for Thanksgiving, we'll keep the questions and answers short.

(Nichole has already answered these questions out at her personal blog. If you head out there, you can read her answers.)

1. Where is your cell phone? That is a very good question. I'm getting ready to fly to San Francisco and just went through security at the airport, so it could be any place—most likely back in the gray bins, where they x-rayed me enough to see through to my backbone.

Oh wait, here it is in my pocket, glowing from all those x-rays.

2. Your hair? Yes, I have some. Is that the question? I couldn't quite tell.

3. My mother? Yes, I have one of those, too.

4. Your father? Yes! Wow, three in a row. Am I a winner? Really, with this kind of luck I should go to Vegas.

5. What room are you in? You know that forlorn, round boarding area at the end of Terminal 1 at the Salt Lake City Airport? Yup, that's right, the one where they put all the Southwest passengers. The one that never has enough air conditioning in the summer or heat in the winter. That's where I am. Feeling like I'm flying with what the Airport Authority considers to be the Cinderella of the airline business.

6. Your dream/goal? Because I just found out my flight will be delayed, my new goal in life is to leave this little round area in Terminal 1 before Christmas.

7. Your hobby? Watching the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth as passengers discover they'll be sitting in this heat and oxygen-deprived terminal for another hour.

8. Your fear? The SLC Airport Authority will rename Terminal 1 to The Terminal-ator.

9. Where will you be in the next 6 years? Probably still sitting here, covered in cobwebs, while my laptop continues searching for a wireless connection.

10. Something you aren't. Ever flying again!

11. Wish list item? Oh, come on. You're really going to ask me that when you know I'm sitting, waiting for a delayed flight?

12. Your life? In a holding pattern.

13. Missing someone? Yes, Flight 289, which was supposed to be leaving Salt Lake City and winging its way to Oakland. Instead it's sitting on the ground in Las Vegas while the pilot and co-pilot use their laptops to figure out crew schedules. Or maybe to play Fantasy Football. I'm not sure.

14. One place that I go over and over? To the little girl's room. I'm thinking I should never had discovered that Orange Julius stand down the way.

15. Favorite place to eat? Ummm, you mean at this terminal? Well, I wouldn't exactly call it my favorite place to eat, since I wouldn't choose to go there for our anniversary, but if you're ever stranded in the Salt Lake City Airport, The City Deli in Terminal-ator 1 makes a pretty good sandwich.

Now to pass this award on. Bestowal of this award requires that we give it to others, but alas, all our friends and fans already have it. Therefore, if you're reading this, haven't received the award yet and would like to have it, consider yourself bestowed.

[Note: Finally made it to San Francisco and back again, but I thought you'd enjoy the parting words of Southwest Airlines: "Thank you for flying with Southwest, where we love you ... and your money."

Their sense of humor almost makes up for the hour delay.]

Extinct ... and "Mormon Mishap" News!

Posted by C.L. Beck

November is such a busy month that we're doing our best to keep the humor short and sweet. That way, you'll have plenty of time to clean the house, garage and car, before the clan arrives for Thanksgiving.

(And December will be less busy, right?)



Extinct

Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other
kids what "extinct" meant.

"Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the
dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't
stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

From: The Good Clean Funnies.
--
EXCITING NEWS ABOUT MORMON MISHAPS AND MISCHIEF: We just received the proofs from our publisher, CFI, late Friday afternoon. We love the cute, humorous font chosen for the titles, and our editor, Heidi Doxey, is doing a wonderful job. We're so excited to work with her and to be one step closer to the finished product.

Don't forget that Mormon Mishaps and Mischief will be out on the shelves in time for your Christmas shopping. It makes a great gift for Aunt Persnickety and Uncle Lunkhead ... or anyone else on your list.

(To our contributors: So far, all contributors that were notified of initial acceptance are still included in the book. Wahoo! But ... nothing is set in stone yet. We know you're anxious for the final word, and we'll let you know as soon as we hear.)

----

Grocery Store Musical

Posted By Nichole 


Another improv group shows up in a random place to entertain.  Why don't they do this in my local grocery store? I'd sure enjoy going there a lot more.



We still don't have an exact date for Mormon Mishaps and Mischief yet, but are told to plan for it to be available for order online in the beginning of December, and in stores the week before Christmas. Any contributors wishing to advertise the book on their blogs, websites, or other medium please feel free. No permission needed. Promote your stories! You deserve it.

Have a great week.

Senior Citizen

Posted by Nichole Giles (received in an email)

This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet - a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food
and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. His mother offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Catholic School Quiz

Posted by Nichole (as received in an email from contributor Connie Hall.)

The following comes from a Catholic elementary school test on the Old and New Testaments. All of these statements about the bible were written by the children, and have not been retouched or corrected in spelling, grammar, or text.

Imagine being the nun who got to grade these papers. How hard would it be to keep a straight face and maintain your composure?

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.


5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.


6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

If Life Were Like Facebook

©By Nichole Giles

If Life were like Facebook...

Poking someone you’ve only ever met once would be a perfectly acceptable form of greeting.

You get to choose whether or not to be friends with someone—and you can take all the time you need to decide. Confirm or deny?

Hitting your family and friends in various body parts with different types of food would be considered a daily dinner ritual.

No one could make the claim that they had more friends than someone else unless it was really true.

Everyone in the world could be friends with a celebrity or two. Or fifty.

Psychics would lose their jobs because people could tell their own futures, including day and time of death, by taking a quiz.

You could ignore people without being obvious.

Single people would never again have to endure those tired pickup lines. Instead, the dating ritual would be reduced to super-soakers filled with love potion.

You could easily hide that obnoxious person who drives you crazy. They could keep being themselves, and you wouldn’t have to know about it.

You never have to wonder where your friends are, because everyone always checks in to tell you where they are and what they’re doing. Ex: So-and-so just went to the grocery store to hit the big toilet paper sale.

Having someone kidnap you to a foreign country would be considered a gesture of friendship.

TV would become obsolete as the world watched real-life personal drama unfold on their newsreel.

When someone made you mad, you could get back at them by tagging them in an embarrassing photo and sharing it with all of their friends, and yours too.

It would be completely acceptable to write on people’s walls.

And finally, everyone you know would have a successful, thriving farm.